Why Do Neurotypicals Abandon Rather Than Repair? A View from the Edge of Empathy

⚠️ Editors disclaimer This article reflects the personal perspective of an autistic individual and is not written from a clinical or scientific standpoint. It does not claim objectivity in a diagnostic or scientific sense, but rather seeks to convey the lived emotional experience of social dynamics from a neurodivergent point of view. Readers should understand it as a subjective reflection, not professional advice or general psychological analysis. Still, it may offer insights that help others understand these experiences more deeply—and perhaps respond with less detachment and more willingness to repair and sustain meaningful relationships rather than discard them.

People on the autism spectrum, particularly those with Asperger’s or ASD Level 1, often encounter a puzzling and deeply painful behavior in the neurotypical world: when something goes wrong socially - a misunderstanding, a disagreement, a perceived misstep - the response is not repair or reflection. It is disappearance. Silence. Disconnection.

This article tries to explores why neurotypicals so often respond to friction with destruction, and why that response is so cold, so empathyless, and so alien to autistic minds (which it actually also is when seen objectively).

• The Autistic Expectation: Repair and Continuity
• The Neurotypical Response: Silence, Distance, Disconnection
• Why Destruction Over Repair?
• Do They Lack Deep Feelings?
• What This Reveals: A Systemic Empathy Gap
• Final Thoughts
• References / Further Reading

The Autistic Expectation: Repair and Continuity

Many autistic individuals are wired for consistency - not only in the daily life or behaviour but also emotional consistency. They bond deeply, often with extremly few people, and once that bond is formed, it is treated as real and durable forever - it will never ever fade. When something goes wrong, the ship is not abandoned - the approach is to understand, resolve, and rebuild. The concept of dropping someone over misunderstandings feels illogical and inhumane - which really is the case. 

This expectation for repair - not replacement - is rooted in how autistic people process emotions: in contrast to stereotypical view with intensity, with memory, and with an framework of fairness and coherence.

The Neurotypical Response: Silence, Distance, Disconnection

In contrast, neurotypical responses often follow an unsettlingly unlogical pattern:

• A conflict arises.
• The other person becomes emotionally uncomfortable.
• Instead of clarifying or repairing, they withdraw - or worse, ghost completely.

This is emotional cowardice or outright cruelty. But from a neurotypical perspective, it’s often imagined to be a strategy of emotional self-protection and conflict avoidance - they do not care about the effect on others. And they usually hide this behind phrases like self care or setting boundaries.

Why Destruction Over Repair?

• Conflict Avoidance as a Cultural Norm: Neurotypical culture often values harmony over honesty. If the social surface is cracked, many neurotypicals will prefer to walk away rather than face the anxiety of confrontation or the discomfort of ambiguity. They aren’t necessarily and consciously trying to hurt anyone - they’re trying to stop feeling bad themselves without any thought about the other person. This is then often seen as missing empathy.
• Short-Term Emotional Economics: Emotional bonds in the neurotypical world are frequently formed through proximity, shared context, or mutual utility - not through deep philosophical resonance or building up common structures or processes as it is for neurodivergent individuals. This makes many relationships feel more like temporary arrangements than essential commitments. If one breaks, it can be “replaced”.
• Different Empathy Models: Autistic empathy often manifests through action, precision, and long-term care. Neurotypical empathy is more often expressed through mirroring, shared emotion, and adherence to social norms. This mismatch leads each side to misread the other: neurotypicals may see autistic concern as cold or argumentative, while autistics may see neurotypical detachment as heartless.
• Social Risk Management: In group contexts, especially, neurotypicals may fear association with someone who behaves in ways they don’t understand. If someone is interpreted as socially unpredictable or emotionally intense, distancing becomes a kind of reputation management. Again, it’s about protecting themselves - not reaching out - while ignoring the neurodivergent person. They again often hide this behind stories of drawing boundaries for self care.

Do They Lack Deep Feelings?

It appears that way. Especially when someone you care about seems able to “move on” instantly, or discard a connection that meant everything to you. The reality is more complicated: many neurotypicals do have feelings, but their emotional continuity is weaker, emotions are way shallower, their world view more context-bound, and more influenced by external cues than internal consistency.

Where an autistic person might carry a connection for decades, a neurotypical person may emotionally detach within days - because they didn’t feel deeply, because they shift attention, repress pain, or follow social scripts that tell them to “let go” - a phrase that makes no sense to most autistic people (there is no such thing as “letting go”).

What This Reveals: A Systemic Empathy Gap

This isn’t just about individuals. It’s a cultural system that:

• Prioritizes comfort over care.
• Values replaceability over repair.
• Treats social bonds as modular rather than meaningful.

For autistic people, this creates constant heartbreak. They are told being too much, too intense, too slow, too stuck. But perhaps they are simply more loyal than the social systems around. And maybe they care more about people than the average neurotypicals.

Final Thoughts

If you feel like every social connection evaporates the moment things get hard - you’re not imagining it. The rules others follow were not designed for people who bond like this. That doesn’t mean one is broken. It means one is playing in a world with shallow emotional processes - one that prioritizes avoidance, efficiency, and control over mutual growth - a world that is designed for people who do not have deep emotions, deep bonds or care about other people deeply. The way of remembering, of caring, of trying to fix rather than flee - would not be a defect. It’s a form of courage most people have never even tried to learn. But it’s something that society denies to take the easy shallow and ignoring route.

References / Further Reading

• [1] Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
• [2] The double empathy problem